You don’t realise how much your childhood learnings affect you when you are older. We are conditioned by so many factors: family, school, the media, religion.
My childhood taught me about fear. I was afraid to do anything lest I upset my parents and, more importantly, God. I did not want to go to Hell. I did all the things I was supposed to. I prayed, I read the Bible. I went to church. I was terrified of what people in the church would say if they knew that I secretly liked dragons and read fantasy books.
I’ve been out of Christianity for 7 or 8 years now. The first book I read when I left was a book on Wicca. It showed me the truth of what Wicca was, and I fell in love with it.
I liked the fact that Goddess is given just as important role as God. But I couldn’t practice.
All that training and brainwashing from my 35 years in the church had a strong hold on me. I did my best to fight against it though. I read any pagan book I could get my hands on. I bought a pack of Tarot cards and learned how to read them for myself. I bought crystals and figures.
You’d think that with all of that, and 7 years later that I’d have dealt with it.
Two days ago I did a Tarot reading for myself. I did the Celtic Cross from the back of the Druid Craft Tarot book, using the Druid Craft deck. In the position of “what I fear”, I drew The Magician.
Obviously I hadn’t dealt fully with the fear. I knew straight away what it was saying. I was scared of Magick. I was scared to walk as a Witch. I have trouble calling myself a Witch. Why? Because of the bullshit lies that the church feeds its flock.
So, what did I do? I started to deal with it.
How? I looked up some of my books and created a ritual based around things that I had. I have a book on my Kindle App called Celtic Lore & Spellcraft of the Dark Goddess: Invoking the Morrigan (affiliate link). I’d bought it some time ago. I felt the need to start working through this and to call on one aspect of the Morrigan.
I chose to work with Badb.
From the book I found three lovely bits that summed up exactly what I wanted to do. I used the Invocation to Badb, Badb’s Cauldron Blessing, and Badb’s Cauldron Spell.
Just the fact of doing a spell has helped to ease the fear of it and has increased my confidence. The next step is to design a small ritual that involves me actually casting a circle.
Each week I will be doing at least something to continue to work through this issue.
But honestly, I want to be in the position of doing magick everyday. I’m a Witch and Witches do magick.
I believe it’s important to share our journey with others because we can learn from each other. If you have any advice or comments please leave them below.